new attitude

Throughout this whole "process", people have told me I have a great attitude or that I'm handling things amazingly well. Today, I thought about why that was. Why was I handling having cancer better than others? Was it just me or was it something else? I started thinking back to when I first found out I had cancer...

I was upset. Devastated. My whole neatly constructed world was crumbling down around me. I watched as all of my hope, dreams and desires were placed on shaky ground. I spent a day,just talking about how my life was ruined. How no man would ever love me, even if I survived this. Who would want someone who would be living in fear of recurrence? Who would be scarred and scared for life? Who would want someone that would be passing on genetics that have "23=cancer" written all over them? I screamed about how I was now stuck here for the rest of my life. How I could never move or accomplish my dreams. How I would never be able to change the world. I took my self down to the deepest, darkest depth I knew.

And the I pushed off of that bottom and started to push myself as hard as I could for the top. I made a decision. I knew that I could either let this ruin my life or create something beautiful. I started to look at having cancer in a new light. Maybe it was an opportunity. Maybe this is my chance to change the world. Or maybe it would just change me for the better.

Looking back, I realize that that attitude change has really affected my entire treatment. I handled the pain better (and with very limited whining) than the old me ever would have. So when I say that I hurt or something doesn't feel right, everyone listens and is immediately concerned. Everyone around me is much more happy and hopeful than my first few days, too. I feel like I make a good atmosphere around me. I'm happy. (And I'm trying to scare the hell out of that cancer so that it never comes back!)

I still have really bad days. Everyone does. But on the days that I feel like asking "why me?", I ask myself "who instead?". Who would I want to take on this cancer and this pain on in my place? I can't think of anyone that I would wish this on.