new attitude

Throughout this whole "process", people have told me I have a great attitude or that I'm handling things amazingly well. Today, I thought about why that was. Why was I handling having cancer better than others? Was it just me or was it something else? I started thinking back to when I first found out I had cancer...

I was upset. Devastated. My whole neatly constructed world was crumbling down around me. I watched as all of my hope, dreams and desires were placed on shaky ground. I spent a day,just talking about how my life was ruined. How no man would ever love me, even if I survived this. Who would want someone who would be living in fear of recurrence? Who would be scarred and scared for life? Who would want someone that would be passing on genetics that have "23=cancer" written all over them? I screamed about how I was now stuck here for the rest of my life. How I could never move or accomplish my dreams. How I would never be able to change the world. I took my self down to the deepest, darkest depth I knew.

And the I pushed off of that bottom and started to push myself as hard as I could for the top. I made a decision. I knew that I could either let this ruin my life or create something beautiful. I started to look at having cancer in a new light. Maybe it was an opportunity. Maybe this is my chance to change the world. Or maybe it would just change me for the better.

Looking back, I realize that that attitude change has really affected my entire treatment. I handled the pain better (and with very limited whining) than the old me ever would have. So when I say that I hurt or something doesn't feel right, everyone listens and is immediately concerned. Everyone around me is much more happy and hopeful than my first few days, too. I feel like I make a good atmosphere around me. I'm happy. (And I'm trying to scare the hell out of that cancer so that it never comes back!)

I still have really bad days. Everyone does. But on the days that I feel like asking "why me?", I ask myself "who instead?". Who would I want to take on this cancer and this pain on in my place? I can't think of anyone that I would wish this on.

pain

I really thought that the surgery was going to be the hard part of cancer treatment.

I was wrong.

Generally, I'm a pretty non-whiny person, I think. But radiation has brought out the whiner in me. It hurts, bad. At least with the surgery, when I was in pain, I could take some drugs and the pain would go away. Now, with radiation it just eases the pain. It's always there though. Lurking, waiting for the medication to wear off and come back full force.

It sucks.

And I can't really speak. It hurts too much. I have what feel like blisters all over the inside of my lower lip and on the tip of my tongue. It hurts to swallow too. Just moving my tongue the little bit necessary to swallow causes pain. I'm trapped inside my head.

I really don't know how people go through this without a support system. Even with my friends and family backing me its tough. But I know I can't give up and beg my doctor to stop because it could come back then and that would hurt them.

"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually the pain will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever". - Lance Armstrong

waiting

What I'm currently waiting for:

1. My radiation to end

2. To be declared cancer free

3. Taking a celebratory trip to the beach (alone)

4. Feeling free to do what I want

5. Being able to smile and talk normally

6. The time when I won't need to write or talk about this disease because I will be done with it

evaluation

It's been one month since I had my partial glossectomy and neck dissection and this caused me to take stock of the changes in my life since that point. Creating this list revealed a lot of positive changes and revelations that were unexpected. Here they are:

Change #1: My attitude. I've always tended to be dramatic and easily agitated. If something did not go according to my plan, everything was ruined. After a small fender bender today, I realized that the words "stressed", "dramatic" and "angry" don't coincide with my personality anymore. I may have temporarily lost some of the adjectives that I love about myself (e.g. "hopeful" and "happy"), but this experience has mellowed me - something that I have always wanted.



Change #2: Parental relationships. My mom and I have always been exceptionally close; nothing has change there. However, my relationship with my father has undergone a slight transformation. All of the old animosity I felt towards my dad has suddenly floated away. This was something that I always wrestled with. Now though, that old anger is gone and I feel like I can finally move on.



Revelation #1: I have amazing friends, past and present. And I am completely undeserving of them. Throughout my entire life, I've been blessed with wonderful friends, even though I am a horribly bad one. When all of this started, my friends came out in full force, offering me prayer, support, laughs and visits. My friends, some of whom I had not spoken to in years, have all been there for me. I can't say enough good things about my church friends, my CSM girls and my work crew. They all kept me sane.



Revelation #2: I'm finally becoming the person I always wanted to be. I've always wanted to be a person that took everything in stride, that took risks, that somewhat went against the grain of normalcy. I wanted to be a little more free spirited. Finally, I am.

Although good things have come out of this, I wish they had all come about another way.