new year

The new year is swiftly approaching and I'm feeling strangely optimistic. Weird for someone who is getting radiation daily. But I do. I feel like my family has been through so much in the past few years, that good things are coming our way. My way.

I've always felt like something bad was going to happen to me at some point in my life. This statement makes it sound like I live my life under a dark cloud, but that's not the case. It was just always something in the back of my mind or in my peripheral vision, waiting. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is what was lurking there. After this maybe I will be able to live my life with some freedom from it because I know now that I'm a fighter.

I feel like the bad will come to an end soon. I feel like the things that I've wanted for so long, that I've prayed for and wished for, are right around the corner.

I'm still scared. Terrified. Especially when I read other people's stories. Maybe it's just the people who have to deal with the most and who have the worst prognosis that share on the Internet, but the horror stories are what keep me up at night. It reminds me all over again that I'm breakable. That my life won't last forever; but I'm planning on a solid 70 more years!

Happy New Year!

neck update

Here is a picture of what my neck looks like now, after the steri strips have been remove:

The neck dissection was only four weeks ago. Not so pretty, but improving, right?

Matthew 10: 29 - 31

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Selective Neck Dissection

As promised, here are some picture of my selective neck dissection.

This picture was taken on December 2, 2009, mere minutes before my surgery:

And this picture was taken today (December 21, 2009):

Even though its less than three weeks from the surgery, I'm pretty happy with how it's looking (minus gross steri strips, which refuse to fall off, and dry skin). The ultimate test will be tomorrow. I see the surgical oncologist tomorrow and I have a feeling that the steri strips and sutures will be gone. So we'll see...

Also, I start a new-not-so-fun adventure on December 29th...Radiation. Six weeks of it. There's so much more to worry about with radiation than surgery. Tooth health, saliva production, swelling, redness, sores...the list goes on and on. But I'm ready to go and get it over with. The sooner I get to take my life off 'Pause', the better!

words

It's funny how quickly the meaning of words can change for you. How something so inconsequential can suddenly provoke such a strong response.

For example, twenty three has changed for my family. Twenty three now means "too young" in my family, it means a time of pain and a time of fear. Twenty three is no longer just my age; it's my dark time. It's the time when I had to think about my life being over.Twenty three used to make my mom smile. It always made her laugh that I was paranoid that twenty three was old. Now, it only makes her cry.

Cancer has already changed so much about my life. How I look and how I sound. And especially how I think. I wonder how much else will change...

update

It's been 12 days since my selective neck dissection and partial glossectomy and the healing process is going...well. My tongue is healing so quickly that my speech is already almost back to normal. It's amazing how resilient the tongue is! My neck is taking a little bit longer; pictures will be up soon!

I did get some unpleasant news on Wednesday. My surgical oncologist informed me that although my lymph nodes were cancer free, the cancer had begun to move the nerves. Because of the movement to the nerves, the surgical oncologist recommended that the meet with a radiation oncologist. My appointment is tomorrow.

I'm really nervous about it. I'm pretty sure that I know what the radiation oncologist will say; that I need radiation therapy. It means that my road to recovery is just beginning. It means my life will remain on 'Pause' for that much longer. It means that it will be a long time before I'm normal again, before I'm myself again.

But I wonder if I'll ever feel like me again after this. Before this, I was hopeful and happy. I was so sure that I would always achieve everything I wanted to. Now, I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I will ever feel that carefree and joyful again. Over the course of these past weeks, I feel like I've grown up so much. But in that process of that, I think I've gained some sadness. I just want to feel like me again.